Jesus & The Hulkster

Hulk Hogan and Jesus Christ would not be friends. There. I said it.

I just want you to imagine, even just for one second, just enough time to blink: The Hulkster on his knees, hands clasped in prayer. He kneels before an omnipotent God in the Kingdom of Heaven. He reaches out his hands and… -BOOM! Jesus comes in with a Blindside Rear Naked Choke! Hulk is face down on the mat in 2.5! The Ref goes in for the count… 1! 2!

You get the point. Or you don't. Either way let me explain.

My partner and I were at the local thrift place today just looking around for fun. We found some various VHS tapes: Lost in Space, Mouse Hunt, The Mask Of Zorro, and that strange 4 hour Dune movie they used to show on the Sci-Fi channel (or was it Sy-Fy?). The true star of the show, however, was a small off white Sony portable radio. Looking at it now I wanna say its a Mid-Late 90s early 2000’s model. Rounded rectangular design, comically large extendable antennae and just old enough to trigger some sort of nauseating nostalgia for a time I almost remember. Perfection for 2 dollars.

After nabbing some Dollar Tree Double AA’s™ and heading home, I immediately got to work scanning for stations on my new friend, now dubbed Kingston. (Named after his predecessor, "King", a boombox that lives under our bed.) As I scanned every station on every band (four, by the way: TV, FM, AM, and weather), I found one station that really tickled me not only pink, but blue and green as well. You see, tuning in, you are immediately greeted by what sounds to be Mr. New Vegas’s sickly older brother, practically begging you for money because —get this— they’re the only station out there that’s really telling the truth.

Here’s the skinny on 102 whatever. They’re a good radio station—the best, actually. They’ve taken on everything from crooked cops to crooked judges and… well, that's about it. Oh wait! They’ve also taken on the war against “common sense,” whatever the fuck that means. The old man croaks his hate speech on the radio and then—like a light in the dark (that light being the lit gas of a wet fart) —another man stumbles into the recording booth at the station and delivers unto us… a Hulk Hogan quote: “Let Trumpomania run wild, brother. Let Trumpomania rule again, let Trumpomania make America great again!”* Then, as if he’s dropping the mic like an original gangster, the stumbling man says: “But that's not a sermon”, and just leaves us sitting in the dark all alone- with Mr. Phoenix, Arizona.

You’re god damn right that’s not a sermon. Did Terry Gene Bollea weep in The Garden of Gethsemane for every time you’ve hurt someone - and then forgive you? Because I know you hurt people and will continue to do so. Did Terry die on the cross? For You? Consider me absolutely tickled.

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." - 2 Chronicles 7:14

*I’d like to give you some other Hulkster classics but most end with slurs.

P.S Mouse Hunt review coming soon ;P

-Bliss