"Vapid Slop" a review of: Lee Cronin's The Mummy

Hey, how's it going? That's good. Glad to hear it.

Me? I'm not really sure. I saw Lee Cronin's "The Mummy" and I'm still haunted by it. Not because it was exceptionally frightening or ground breaking. I'm mainly haunted by the fact that it took over 2 hours to say and do nothing.

That being said, here is a brief review of Lee Cronin's The Mummy. [mild spoilers]

Lee Cronin's the Mummy (2026)

★☆☆☆☆

[score: 1/5]

A slow, poorly acted and sloppily written slog of a film with no redeeming qualities. The trailer hypes you up for something ground breaking or even slightly interesting. But merely boils down to "what if girl was possessed by mummy instead of demon? -raises caveman club and scratches head-" There are border-line creative things potentially happening. But it really just feels just as original as a restaurant that does their burgers "a little different".

It wants so badly to be the Exorcist. Or even within the realm of it. I imagine Lee Cronin put his name on the front of this title thinking the world would say "The Mummy" in the same breath as the Exorcist. Poor guy.

The Exorcist is a brilliant film because you care about the characters. You spend time with them, feeling the horror of watching someone innocent turn into something vile and horrifying. The quiet moments are engaging. The sense of dread and horror build up into a spectacle event where man and demon face off for the soul of an innocent child. Yes God is there with them, but ultimately, it is man who triumphs over evil.

The power behind Father Damien's sacrifice punches into you as you see him fall. Good has been restored despite the loss of a good man. His faith that was once tested was found in the end... at a cost.

It is a nearly perfect film.

On the other hand...

This Mummy thing is a mess. It doesn't deserve eloquent words to describe it. Listen, Lee Cronin? More like "I'm groanin'" The Mummy? More like "This is crummy"

The plot is so full of holes you can see right through the fabric.

It's like magic. Lee Cronin must be a magician. He took 2 hours and 14 minutes and turned it into trash right before my very eyes.

$8? Now you see it. now you don't.

2 hours and 14 minutes??? This should have been a 90 minute runtime, tops. So many scenes needed to be cut. All the extra time is devoted to repeating exposition, hanging on the reaction shots of every character for what feels like a century and torturing an old woman lol.

The hand holding is insulting. The plot of The Mummy is not deep enough for a lifeguard. No need for a sherpa, this mountain is pretty straight forward.

The idea was interesting. The concepts are mildly imaginative. It's definitely got the bones of something original and unexpected. But the disappointment lies in the absolute inability to talk the talk.

This film exists as a vessel for vapid gore.

I have a difficult time reading the tone of the film.

The amount of cliches is staggering. It's like hard to tell if it is being self aware or not.

It takes itself so seriously, that it feels satirical.

It exists to shock you and make you uncomfortable.

"What if we forced the audience to watch a tongue lick a child's foot?" said Lee Cronin, scratching his beard. He rubs his hands together as a sinister grins spreads over his face, "Yeah, nobody will see that coming. That'll make people pay attention"

Read the room dude. It's a bad time to be putting that sort of thing in a movie. But that's why he did it. See? For shock and the discomfort.

Look, an artist is free to create whatever they'd like. That's fine.

But this wasn't an independent film made by some friends in their backyard. This film cost $22 Million to make. It grossed $80+ million. Because people love to be shocked.

But Lee, you fed them slop and made millions.

You wasted my time and that really bites.

This director is relatively new it seems, so I want to cut him a break.

I just feel this radiant pretentious energy pouring from every orifice of this film.

I can tell the difference between an ohmage, and someone reaching for "obscure" references from cult films. I can tell when someone is making something cynical for the "normies". Especially a film-bro.

I can tell when someone is grubbing for money.

I know a grifter when I smell them.

Overall. This was the worst thing I've seen so far this year, and I just watched "Grand Theft Auto: Murder City"

There was nothing carrying this Mummy movie.

-The music was not only boring and predictable, but was unfortunately quite forgettable. -It was really difficult to care about any of the characters. -The camera work is flat and generic. The effects are really lame.

The idea of the film is better than the actual product.

Every inch of the film is oozing with a thick pretentious slime that carries a slurry of over done horror tropes in it's tedious, slow paced and poorly acted currents.

I remember before the film even started, I looked at my partner and said "I predict that my eyes are going to roll at least 10 times during this movie." What can I say? I know myself just as well as I can sniff out a crappy horror film.

Don't give Lee Cronin your money, dude.